Hi, as anyone reading this will probably know, my name is Lee J Harris. I'm currently 16 and I attend Q3 Academy in sixth-form (an alternative to college). Last year me and my girlfriend got along well and I finally saw us getting somewhere in our relationship, so, like the idiot I am, I pushed for us to be a bit more serious. I told her everything about myself, how paranoid I am, how life is simply a story to me, even the deep dark secrets that I don't tell anyone. Needless to say this freaked her out a bit but, being the caring soul she is, we persisted in our relationship. All was going well, I didn'tneed to hide from her any more and we were having fun.
A week or two ago, however, she broke up with me. Just like that, out of the blue.
"i just dont think i can do it" she said. Needless to say I was heartbroken and did some very stupid things whilst crying to the heavens. She's slightly dyslexic (you don't notice it at all really) and has a social anxiety disorder which makes it hard for her to socialise with people. So me pressing her with questions on why she did this out of the blue didn't really help us along.
Basically, I went mad. Insane, crazy. Pretty sure I'm a sociopath now. I poured my heart out to her whilst she was trying to detatch herself from me and I basically fucked things up pretty badly. Until at one point she snapped. Screamed at me virtually from the internet. She wasn't eating or sleeping well at all and I was pressuring her so she snapped. But in doing so she let me know what people really think of my over-emotional reactions to things.
"OH BOO-HOO SOMEONE YOU LOVED BROKE UP WITH YOU.
SO WHAT? GET OVER IT!
JUST STOP IT! YOUR MAKING ME SO SO ILL!"
And right then, be this the stupid thing to do or not, I knew what I had to do. I had to stop myself from pressuring her so she could get over me and get better. So that's what I did. I pretended, and still am pretending, that I'm over her. Needless to say we haven't talked at all since that conversation but I've been sending e-mails in hopes of a reply.
No luck yet.
Now: one of the stupid things I did was rant on Twitter. A friend of mine recently started a relationship of his own so I wished him the best of luck but warned that women are evil and heart-breaking. Needless to say, this wasn't the smartest thing to do to someone just starting a relationship. Now he's seriously pissed off at me because he things I'm trying to deter him from his gf; which is not the case at all. I simply put that end bit in that tweet because I'm a broken man. Everyone who's ever had a break-up will know what it feels like to be heartbroken and the stupid things you say at that time. I've apologised and apologised again but he's still clearly pissed off at me, and I just can't understand why. This is eating me up inside and I'm going insane, it's becoming harder and harder to focus on things; and my studies aren't exactly helping with that.
So yeah, turns out there's only so much you can say in 160 characters. I'm often misinterpreted in what I say and my thoughts are all messed up at the moment. I just can't think straight and, worst of all, I'm psychologically evaluating myself constantly. I need help, I need someone to talk to. I need to get my feelings out to the world, which is basically the point of this blog.
I feel like my friends are slowly abandoning me and I feel more alone than ever.
...So yeah, welcome to "A Madman's Thoughts", A.K.A. My life.
